Ekstazy
by Natasha Shaitanova
Summary: In this humorous and somewhat outrageous play, follow the epic adventures of Harry and Draco as they attempt to go on their first date. Unfortunately, Draco's rapping skills and Harry's fashion sense won't save them from Hermione's interference. Update!
1. Chapter 1

* * *

**Ekstazy**

By Natasha Shaitanova

* * *

**Disclaimer:** I don't own _Harry Potter_. I likewise don't own any recognizable real-life figures in this story. They are owned by their respective labels.

**Quickie A/N**: Welcome to my latest parody! I have no idea how this is going to turn out yet, since this is a spur of the moment kind of thing. With no concrete plot in mind, it'll be an adventure for all of us!

Essentially, what you are looking at is a crack Harry Potter play, starring Girly!Harry, Lavignesque!Hermione, Rapper!Draco, Lovey!Blaise, and Lopez!Ginny. Enjoy!

* * *

**Act 1**

**Scene 1**

_The curtain opens to show the Gryffindor boy's bathroom. A wall of mirrors can be seen on the right, above the sinks. The other half of the restroom, with the stalls and various other bathroom paraphernalia, will be studiously ignored._

_In front of the mirrors, Harry Potter is battling with his hair with utmost concentration._

_Enter Hermione Granger, in an anxious rush._

Hermione: Harry, girlfriend, it's a catastrophe! I can't believe I— (pause) You dirty thief!

Harry: Hermione, you of all people should know that drastic circumstances call for drastic measures. Concepts of morality should never prevent one from looking fabulous!

_Harry turns back to the mirror and adds a finishing spritz of hairspray to his wild hair._

Hermione (put-out): And what is important enough for you to dare steal my hair straightener? (pause) Or to put on your full interview-makeup?

Harry: Hermione, darling, I happen to have a hastily arranged rendezvous in that sweet little tea-shop down in Hogsmeade. I've been waiting for this for months!

Hermione: But you just said it was hastily arranged! I sense a fallacy…

Harry (dreamily): He was simply too shy to ask before, so I was waiting for him to muster up his courage! (sigh) Now pass me the eyeliner, will you dear? I think I smudged that corner there…

_Hermione busies herself with the retrieved hair straightener while waiting for Harry to finish painting his face. After ironing her locks for the fifth time and seeing Harry still not finished, she feels the need to interfere._

Hermione: Harry, let me fix that up for you and you can finish telling me all about your coming date.

Harry (horrified): Do you believe I'd dare let you touch my face? This face is insured for a good few thousand galleons to the Daily Prophet, sweetie! No, I refuse! One must always take care of the possessions dearest to them themselves.

Hermione: My apologies, I forgot! Let me make it up to you and pick out your outfit. You absolutely have to look your best and there is no excuse for an inappropriate accessory!

Harry: You are the best friend a girl can have, Hermione!

Hermione (mollified): You mean "guy", darling. Now go back to your make-up! You haven't even touched the lip-gloss yet, have you?

Harry: Oh dear God and all things sacred, you are right!

_Harry digs enthusiastically through the heavy box set on the counter, apparently in search of the elusive lip-gloss._

_Hermione returns with her choice outfit. She presents Harry with shining silver pants, an oversized black turtleneck, and an ornament on a two-foot chain._

Hermione: At first I thought that this may be a bit extravagant for a first date, but then I decided that not at all! This is going to look very genteel indeed.

Harry: Hermione, as of this moment you are my official designer. Would you like me to call Skeeter to make the contract official?

Hermione: Oh, don't be silly, I couldn't possibly take a fee. Although if the fee is good, I couldn't possibly refuse!

Harry: Marvelous! But dear Hermione, does this necklace not look just like the one Ginny wore last Monday?

Hermione: It is the same, but she has no knowledge whatsoever.

Harry: I should feel shame since she is my second-best friend, but it will look so much more beautiful on me instead… (Tries on necklace and sags somewhat under the weight)

Hermione: That is exactly why I brought it! With this on, he won't be able to resist.

Harry: My sweet friend, my make-up is done and I am anxious. Let me change and we shall go down to the Great Hall to wait!

* * *

**Scene 2**

_Ginny is standing in the hallway outside of the Great Hall, dressed in strappy stilettos, sparkling shorts, and a tight zip-up hoodie. She is leaning on the wall and tapping one foot against it._

_Enter Hermione and Harry, arm in arm._

Harry: Ginny, what an unexpected and not altogether pleasant surprise!

Ginny: Harry, how entertaining to see you this morning! (To the side) And what could be more entertaining than witnessing such blatant fashion disaster?

Harry: I simply love your little shorts, dear, although they don't quite go with your figure. Their cut does suggest that they require to be filled in the back…

Ginny: Then I certainly would not suggest you acquire a pair, it would look quite tragic indeed.

Hermione (cheerily): So what brings you here, Ginny? Are you perhaps waiting for someone?

Ginny: Oh yes.

Hermione: For whom?

Ginny (perplexed): Good question. I am not sure.

_Pause_

Ginny: Harry, what a beautiful necklace! Although it looks oddly familiar…

Harry: Oh this old thing? I must have worn it before and forgotten.

Ginny: How strange! I could swear I wore it just last Monday.

Harry: No, no you must be mistaken. It has been in my trunk all along.

Ginny: Is that so, really? Because it truly seems like it has "G.W." carved onto the chain link, oh right here…

_Ginny triumphantly points out the initials._

Harry: Oh these silly things? Yes, they just so happen to be the initials of that poor hippogriff in whose sad memory Hagrid gave me this necklace as a present.

Ginny: A hippogriff, really? But I do not recall Hagrid having a hippogriff with those precise initials.

Harry: Oh he did and his name was Ginervius Weaselentium, such a lovely little thing! Hagrid was so distraught when the poor thing ended up as Grawp's brunch…

Ginny: Oh such sad fate! (To the side) She thinks, I mean he thinks he is so smart, trying to confuse me with his wily story! But no, I sense deceit…

Hermione (cheerful): Let us not talk about such distressing matters. Harry, we must go have breakfast, I am simply craving some of those blueberry muffins!

Harry: Of course, Hermione, we shall go immediately! (To the side) Although she could really do without those muffins, I don't much feel like holding her hair back in half an hour…

Ginny (sullen): You two go on, I will stay here for my lookout.

Hermione: Bye, bye dear. (To Harry) It must be so hard, working from dawn to dusk!

_Harry and Hermione enter the Great Hall as Ginny returns to her former position._

* * *

**Scene 3**

_The Great Hall has a scattering of various students at each table and there is a general lull in conversation as Harry and Hermione enter._

_Two figures rise from the Slytherin table and as they approach they are recognized to be Draco Malfoy and Blaise Zabini._

Hermione: Oh Harry look, your date approaches!

Harry (suddenly anxious): Hermione, quick, tell me – does the upper inner corner of my right eye look quite the same as the one on my left? Because I could swear I smudged it a little…

Hermione: No, no, it's very perfect.

Harry: Hermione, this is no laughing matter. It is either perfect or not. There is no such conception as "a little perfect" or "very perfect" in our business!

Hermione: Yes, that was a scandalous thing to say. Let me correct myself – it is perfect.

Harry (sighing): Simply perfect?

Hermione: Absolutely.

Harry: Wonderful!

_Draco and Blaise reach the chatting pair. Blaise is holding a bouquet of roses which Draco is attempting to grab away. Their argument can finally be heard._

Draco: Blaise, give those back this instant! You are giving the wrong impression.

Blaise: There is no better impression than a man unopposed to romance!

Draco: Only in the circumstance that it is the proper man doing the romancing—

_Blaise shoved Draco aside and ran up to Harry and Hermione._

Hermione: Oh Harry, this is marvelous! I see you finally succumbed to his affections?

Harry: How unexpected! I was certain my date would look significantly blonder…

Blaise: My darling, I present you with these flowers, knowing that their beauty is struck dead in light of yours…

Hermione: How sweet and touching! One could not wish for a more proper way to begin the courtship ritual.

Draco (from behind Blaise's shoulder): I believe there is a misconception at hand!

_Draco attempts to jump around Blaise, but trips on his oversized pants. Quickly getting up, he readjusts his hat and makes another grab for the bouquet of roses._

Hermione: Blaise, I always knew you would get through to him. For some unexplained reason, he has always been obsessing over Malfoy, but I kept telling him that an abusive relationship just would _not_ be healthy! Honestly, I don't believe he ever listened…

Harry (brightening at the sight of Draco and fixing up his bangs): He is not at all abusive, Hermione, it's all talk. Men never mean a word they say – you should never pay them any attention when they are speaking.

Draco: Come here, woman!

Harry (giggling): See? He is just lacking affection, the poor thing.

_Harry allows Draco to sling an arm around his waist, turning away and blushing when the latter attempts a kiss._

Draco (pulling up his pants): Let's go, boo.

_The couple begins to walk away._

Hermione: Wait just one second!

Draco: Wot.

Hermione (shaking a finger): You better bring him back by 9 o'clock sharp, mister! I'll be checking.

Harry (whining): Hermione!

Hermione: No 'but's, young lady!

Draco: Wateva. Let's go, woman.

_Couple leaves Great Hall. Blaise throws down the bouquet and leaves in the opposite direction with a dejected wail._

_Hermione bends down and pulls out a rose out of the bouquet, fixing it behind her ear. _

_Fin _**Act 1.**

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A/N: So…reactions? Comments? Complaints? Miscellaneous?

I would love to hear your suggestions on how this should progress)))

**Want more rapper!Draco? Review, homies!**

-Shaity out.


	2. Chapter 2

* * *

**Ekstazy**

**By Natasha Shaitanova**

* * *

**Disclaimer:** I don't own _Harry Potter_. I likewise don't own any recognizable real-life figures in this story. They are owned by their respective labels.

* * *

Quick A/N: Well, not what I call an overwhelming reviewer response, but we'll just have to work on that ;)

And so, on to the date!

* * *

**Act 2**

**Scene 1**

_The Hogsmeade central street is relatively full with locals and Hogwarts students mingling between the shops. The road is rather slushy, as the snow is beginning to melt. _

_Harry and Draco are walking at a leisurely pace (skipping in Harry's case, trudging in Draco's.)_

_At a distance of half a block, Hermione and Ginny are ducking and weaving through the crowd in pursuit._

Harry: Draco, you've been so silent! Do tell what we are planning to do for our date?

Draco: I already told you, shawty, it's coffee and a walk.

Harry: A moonlit promenade after an enchanting dinner in a dimly-lit restaurant? Oh, that is so romantic! But will we have time for our walk if I must be back by 9?

Draco: This _is_ the walk, woman.

Harry (confused): But we are walking through slush. And there is no moon.

Draco: It's a modernistic type of walk. Think of it as an application of abstract surrealism to the romanticism of traditional courtship.

Harry: (long pause) Oh Draco, your intelligence is so oddly appealing! One must always choose a man who can entertain for otherwise any interaction is quite tragic indeed.

_The pair continues on, with Harry clinging to Draco's arm and chattering away nonstop._

Ginny (grumbling): How much longer are they planning to traipse around this swamp? My heels are about ready to snap off.

Hermione: Then take them off and go barefoot. Slush mixed with hippogriff fertilizer is rumored to have astounding healing properties for blistered feet.

Ginny: Oh how fortuitous! And does it happen to work on blisters in…(pause) other areas as well? Because I have this terrible one on my—

Hermione (raising a hand): Say no more, it will work wondrously.

Ginny (taking off her stilettos): Well in that case, we must be sure to pack some to go. If it works as well as you say, I may consider starting a business venture and wishing goodbye to my current occupation!

Hermione: A noteworthy and virtuous decision, but we have been distracted long enough! Are those not our targets escaping into the sanctuary that is Madame Puttifoot's?

Ginny: The very same! Let us not waste another moment.

Hermione (strictly): I am afraid this is where we part ways, dear Ginny, for there is no possibility of Madame Puttifoot allowing you into her establishment whilst you smell so of hippogriff manure.

Ginny: Need I remind you that it was wholly _your _assurance that said manure works wonders on blistered feet? I insist!

Hermione: (to the side) Oh she is a stubborn wench and has wrecked my genius plan to rid myself of her companionship…(to Ginny) My apologies, of course you are in the right! We shall use the back entrance instead.

_The pursuers duck into an alley next to the coffee shop as Harry and Draco enter through the front with a merry jingle at the door._

* * *

**Scene 2**

_The coffee shop is relatively full of miscellaneous couples of all ages and sizes. The customary pink decorations of confetti and smoke put up a noble effort of hiding the more passionate romancers from view._

_A waiter, who was sitting dully behind the counter, jumps at Harry and Draco's entrance, rushing to assist them._

Waiter: Good evening and welcome to Madame Puttifoot's, where we will make you and your honey's dream date a reality! How may we help you gentlemen today?

Draco: (Stares down the waiter.)

Waiter: (cringes.)

Draco: (Continues staring. Adds a scowl to the mix.)

Waiter: (whinnying a little)

Draco: Wot.

Waiter: Beg pardon?

Harry (chipper): Oh we would just love one of your little booths in the back, they are so charming!

Waiter (relieved): Certainly, please follow me!

_The pair follows the waiter through the pink fog, dodging table and various patrons as they proceed._

_As the couple takes their seats in the back and the waiter takes their orders, Hermione and Ginny are struggling to get into the shop from the back entrance._

Hermione: Oh this wouldn't be nearly as difficult if you had just brought your wand!

Ginny (huffing): Does it seem as though I have room for a wand in my outfit?

Hermione: Oh I am sure you could find a sheath for it. After all, you use one very frequently for a different sort of wand…

Ginny: And you do not use yours at all. What a waste!

Hermione: I prefer virtue to short-time gratification.

Ginny: What an archaic and altogether uninteresting way to live. In any case, where is _your_ wand, dear Hermione?

Hermione: I was a touch preoccupied this morning in the pursuits of my hair straightener…

Ginny: You forgot!

Hermione (blushing): It somehow slipped my mind…

_Ginny takes out a tiny booklet from the back pocket of her shorts and proceeds to write furiously in it._

Hermione: What in the name of Merlin are you doing, darling Ginny?

Ginny: One must always carry a diary to record sensational matters. I am writing down your admission of forgetfulness!

Hermione: Ginny, give me that pen this instant!

Ginny: Now, now, sweet Hermione, everyone must have a failing one day! Do not distress yourself so.

Hermione: The pen, Ginny! We are going to pick the latch with it.

_After much squabbling over who gets to pick the door, the two open the latch and squeeze into the back corridor of Madame Puttifoot's. Soon, they find themselves crouched underneath a table in one of the back booths._

Hermione (hissing): I didn't intend to break your precious pen, so stop poking me!

Ginny: It was a very dear pen from a former patron! And I am not poking you in any way as my hands are otherwise occupied.

_Hermione swats at the offending appendage. _

Harry (giggling): Oh Draco, don't you think that playing oddly arousing foot games is a bit too adventurous for a first date?

Draco: I ain't doing anything, boo.

Harry: My darling, you don't have to be ashamed! I see you for the sweet romantic that you are under that gruff, uncouth exterior…

Draco: Did you just call me uncouth, woman?

Harry (sighing dreamily): Very uncouth. So harsh and caustic in such a sexy manner, just like a true pirate…

Draco: Wateva, gurl. I ain't no britches-wearing pussy.

_Under the table, Hermione and Ginny are finally listening to the conversation above._

Hermione: Psychoanalysis of Draco's speech suggests severe insecurities on the matter of masculinity…

Ginny: Oh this is becoming tedious, I cannot even see a cursed thing…

_As Ginny attempts to familiarize herself with her surroundings, Harry suddenly jumps in his seat and turns a violent shade of red._

Harry: Draco! That was most forward…I am still a young girl!

Hermione (muttering): Oh drat, there go two galleons to Ron…I was certain I had cleared up the gender confusion matter a long time ago…

Ginny (whining): I can't see! It's too dark in here and something's touching meee!

Hermione: Well then you feel right at home! Now hush…

Draco (suddenly smirking): Ow, so you're a dirty babe…

Harry: No, not at all! I am very sweet and innocent and devastatingly pretty.

Draco: Stop talking and keep those hands working, woman!

_Hermione, still listening to the conversation above, seems to come to a revelation. She proceeds to smack Ginny on the head._

Draco: Aw, why did you stop baby? This date was just getting good, word!

Harry (blushing): Yes, yes it was! But it is getting dark and the moon must be out by now…

Draco: I'll show you a better moon, shawty…

Harry: Oh Draco! I knew you would love the idea of a moonlit walk. Let us go immediately!

_Harry latches on to Draco's arm and the pair departs into the swirling pink fog. _

_Hermione and Ginny climb up into the booth._

Ginny: Well, that didn't go badly at all. I thought that new trick would be a little too risqué, but this experiment proved me quite wrong! Do remind me to use it during work hours, I am sure it would make a marvelous investment…

_Hermione refrains from answering as she gulps down the rest of Draco's espresso. Ginny proceeds with chattering about work-related incidents as Hermione attempts to wipe confetti off of her tongue. _

**Fin Act 2.**

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-

A/N: I honestly meant to update sooner. But you know what they say about the correlation between reviews and motivation…

**Do drop by a note if you would absolutely love to know how rapper!Draco manages romantic moonlit walks ;))**

-Shaity out.


	3. Chapter 3

* * *

**Ekstazy**

Natasha Shaitanova

* * *

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any recognizable persons or trademarks.

A/N: College life has hijacked me from my precious readers. Apologies…the Al Qaeda that is the University is intent on keeping me hostage for another 3.75 years.

* * *

**Act 3**

**Scene 1**

_A winding path trails from Hogsmeade along the outskirts of the Forbidden Forest. Heavy roots interlock under the fallen foliage and create a treacherous terrain for the lovely couple. _

_Harry and Draco stumble along their moonlit promenade while Hermione and Ginny follow lucratively under the cover of the closer trees._

Harry (out of breath): Dearest Draco, I do believe my feet are furiously writing my eulogy…

Draco: Babe, that reference totally did not work. Take two.

Harry: Carry me!

Draco: Do I look like a mule to you, woman?

Harry (squinting): You _do_ have rather prominent ears…

Draco: Alright, that's it.

_Draco picks up a squealing Harry and throws him over his shoulder._

Harry: I do believe this is bordering on inappropriate and not at all the romantic embrace I had in mind!

Draco: You got yo ride, girl.

Harry: Yes, but I got a low-rider when I asked for a limo!

_Meanwhile, Hermione is attempting to assuage Ginny's paranoia._

Ginny: I do believe I heard the mating call of some anatomically disturbing creature!

Hermione: I do believe that was you passing gas, sweet Ginny.

Ginny: A horrible thing to say! I am, above all, a lady!

_Long pause_

Ginny: Okay, assuming that was me, let us continue.

Hermione (pause): Assuming I got used to the smell, let's continue.

Ginny: Observe! My stolen necklace just fell amidst the foliage due to Draco's endeavors…

Hermione: I thought that was Hagrid's present upon the death of…

Ginny (interrupting): That conniving story did not fool me one bit, I shall let you know! One must always be aware of encroachments upon their most prized possessions.

Hermione: One must also utilize all resources for such a crucial matter as a first rendezvous, so do forgive my lack of a sincere apology.

Ginny: You are quite forgiven.

_Ginny searches among the leaves, twigs, and roots for her gargantuan accessory. Suddenly, she squeals in alarm._

Ginny: Dearest Hermione, there appears to be an evil serpent wrapped around my necklace!

Hermione: Do not be so judgmental, Ginny, I am certain that serpent is a quite amiable little critter.

Ginny: In that case, kindly disentangle your new friend from my jewelry!

Hermione: Upon second contemplation, let us call Harry back for assistance.

Ginny: By dear Merlin, no! We would be committing the unspeakable crime of interrupting a moonlit promenade!

Hermione: Following that statement, such a crime has become quite speakable and consequently we need not feel so bad for committing it.

_As Ginny and Hermione proceed to argue criminality and linguistic "lawyerism", the snake slithers off with the necklace, hissing merrily on its way._

_Ahead on the path, Harry too notices the missing accessory._

Harry: Oh sweet motherfucking Jesus, fuck Mary sideways in the ass!

Draco (surprised): Nice one, shawty!

Harry: My stolen necklace has been stolen! We must recover it immediately before it is forever forsaken in the deep, dark, depressing, degenerate, dystrophic…

Draco: I'm supposed to be hanging with a teen star bitch, not fuckin' Oscar Wilde!

Harry (hand over heart): But my Draco! Is a moonlit walk not the most opportune of moments for revealing one's undoubtedly attractive hidden qualities?

Draco: Cut the chatter, woman, we're on a mission!

_The two pairs thus rush off in pursuit of the serpent into the depths of the Forbidden Forest._

* * *

**Scene 2**

_The serpent, quite aware of its pursuers, slithers in a wide circle for pure amusement before heading off to its cozy little nest…scratch that, evil evil layer. _

_Following a good quarter hour of cursing-infused hiking and hissing chuckles, the party arrives at a neon-lit cavern in the midst of the Forbidden Forest._

Hermione (whilst picking out leaves from her hair): I do believe that we have discovered where Dumbledore's Christmas decorations have disappeared to!

Ginny: Correction, dear accomplice in friend-stalking and miscellaneous, these seem to be the various night lights Professor Snape collected and tragically lost over the recent years.

Hermione: Night lights? Surely not!

Ginny: Indeed, it is so. Upon Harry's arrival at Hogwarts, poor Professor Snape has developed severe paranoia of creepy , crawly, clumsy idiots in the night….

_Pause_

Hermione: Fascinating. I never knew the two of us had so much in common.

_A few yards ahead, Harry is attempting to scale a tree._

Draco: Keep climbing, baby, that is a fine-ass view from down here.

Harry: Do not be crude, sweetie, it is quite unbecoming. Unless one is an uncouth, roughened, undeniably rebellious rich boy, in which case it could be quite arousing…

Draco (wolf whistling): Oy, so I'm making yo hawt?

_Ignoring the unorthodox mating calls of his companion, Harry returns to his perilous task of climbing the oak._

Draco: Yo shawty, in all seriousness, what's yo doin?

Harry: The last time my precious, over-insured tush dared walk into a lair in this Godforsaken forest, it almost ended in a gang-bang by a horde of arachnids.

Draco: I had no idea yo was that kinky, woman…I do believe we may have to reevaluate this relationship endeavor…

Harry: I am not a slut! It was most unexpected.

Draco: And yet I fail to relate the former misadventures to the current situation…

_Pause_

Harry: Hold on to my thought. What's with the formal speech, monsieur rapper?

Draco(uncomfortable): I had a sophisticated upbringing! It slips through during moments of stress…

Harry (instantly on the ground): Oh you need not be upset, dear Draco, I shall protect you from the vicious, horny serpents in the evil evil lair!

Draco: Yo, I ain't a sensitive pussy! I'll swagger right in their dig myself!

_True to the courageous declarations, the pair slides down into the snake lair (albeit with much stifled, never-to-be-acknowledged whimpering)._

Ginny: Shall we proceed into the treacherous depths after our pursuits?

Hermione: Most certainly not. We shall stay here and virtuously guard the entrance…

Ginny: Is this not Gwarp's patrol zone?

_Anxious thinking follows_

Hermione: Indeed. Upon contemplation, we shall proceed.

_And so the four misfortunate adolescents venture into the depths of the neon-lit serpent lair. Curtain closes to delighted hissing and distant enthusiastic grunts. _

* * *

**Scene 3**

_The long-anticipated cavern takes the shape of a large oval, with a substantial bonfire nestled in the center. Colored smoke swirls over the heads of a dozen snakes of various sizes which are lounging in a semi-circle around the flames. _

_The new arrival, now seen as a most attractive young adder, twirls along with the Ginervium Weaselentium necklace, much to the delight of his audience._

_Enter Harry, Draco, Ginny, and Hermione, muddied and disoriented._

Harry: My goodness, if it isn't Hermione and Ginny! How are you doing, girlfriends? How it is that you have not informed me you were going clubbing tonight? I am most upset…

Hermione: Well, actually…

Ginny: We would not dare interrupt your marvelous date with Draco and so we tentatively decided to scour out this new scene. If it was a worthwhile establishment, we would have informed you immediately!

Harry: How considerate of you! I am most pleasantly touched…and so, what news? Has your reconnaissance gone well?

Hermione: We have yet to develop an opinion, there is simply a multitude of contradicting factors to take into account and our paradigm has to be adjusted for an optimal analysis…

Draco: Oh, so mushrooms and marijuana do not fit into your ideal conception of a party scene?

_Hermione, Ginny, and Harry turn to stare at Draco in puzzlement. A snake coughs, as well as a snake can cough, in the back._

Draco: What, am I the only one familiar with the symptoms these serpents are clearly portraying?

Hermione, Ginny (quickly): We would never know of such!

Harry (attempting to catch up, failing): Regardless! The stripper snake is committing acts of debauchery with my necklace!

Snake: Yo I'm just dancing, homie! No need to get personal, bro!

Hermione: It hisses! What did it say, Harry dear?

Harry: It is attempting to deceive me most deviously…

Snake: Yo, stop calling me an 'it', bro. We had a Movement, we's got Civil Rights too now!

Harry (hissing): My apologies! We are still somewhat backward in the deep, deep South that is Hogwarts.

Snake: No surprises there. Your headmaster is the Pope and your Potion's Master is the President.

Harry (contemplative): Would that not imply intimate physical reactions between Dumbledore and Snape?

_Quite a long pause_

Harry,Snake (hissing): Naw…

Draco: Ask it what is going on here.

Harry: Call him a 'he'. He is most offended by being called such a dehumanizing term as 'it'.

Ginny: But he's not human…

Harry: Do not discriminate! (hissing) I do believe that is my necklace, however. Would there be a way for me to recover it?

Snake: You gotta work for it, girl!

_The snake throws Harry the necklace and proceeds to engage him in a belly dance around the campfire. Draco sits back, delighted, munching on the offered popcorn mushrooms._

Hermione: I am feeling rather woozy…

Ginny: I am a touch unstable, myself…Perhaps it is the exhaustion settling in?

Hermione: Undoubtedly. This fog is quite pleasant, however…

Ginny: It is the image of creativity. This is the most inspired I have felt since my latest work invention…

Hermione: Kindly delay experimenting with your new work-related inventions, dear. For the first time in my life, I much prefer to be kept in the dark.

Ginny: I will do my best to oblige, sister. I may call you sister, correct? I feel as though we have been sisters for quite some time. It is a very natural bond for two misanthropic women in a company full of men…

Hermione: Certainly, sister. My, that does have an endearing ring to it…

_The conversation becomes muddled as swirling fog envelopes the scene. Harry continues twirling around the fire to the great amusement of the serpents. Draco is swaying in a cross-legged position, grinning at Harry-shapes on the ceiling of the cave. Hermione and Ginny whisper and giggle, happily huddled in a particularly smoky corner. The curtain closes on steadily thickening pinks, blues, and purples. _

**Fin Act 3**

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A/N: I am not going to comment on the offensive material in this chapter… Take it at face value, that's all the advice I can give. Light-hearted, people, light-hearted.

**After a much-overdue update, I'd love to hear your opinions on this insanity. Also, who wants to see Pothead!Hermione?**

**Personally, I've got mixed feelings on that subject…**

Shaity out.


End file.
